Thursday, 4 February 2016

Script to screen OGR #2 3/2/16 - "Ziggy"

I'm moving forward with the design aspect of the project, having collected enough image references to feel confident in setting my short within the two time periods it inhabits, the 60's and 80's respectively.

Really enjoying the project, and the fact that Ziggy feels so real to me already is telling that I'm invested. In the coming days I will be finalising the design for Fuzz and the Mother and child, paying attention to previous feedback and reflecting more on how I can aestheticize the times my characters inhabit so as to convey the time period without any unnatural exposition.  




  1. OGR 04/02/2016

    Hi Joe,

    Okay, we've talked up a few tweaks to the storyboard already, but I'll note them hear for posterity; an establishing shot of the 'Waxwork Hall Of Fame' signage or similar as part of the opening scene, to ensure the audience knows where they are; some additional intercutting between the boy's face and the newspaper clippings to better communicate that he is being drawing into the mystery of the absent hero.

    Okay - well, I've got to admit that I actually found your storyboard hard to follow in places - especially the action sequences in space. As you think about putting your animatic together and creating the client-facing 'presentation' storyboard, identify ways to ensure the action is more effectively communicated. I had to move between your script and your storyboard to ensure I was following the action, and technically, the storyboard should be able to do this by itself.

    A few questions then: in your script there is a sort of cliffhanger following the spacewalk scene; we see the hook move towards the shuttle and you leave us with a ... In terms of Ziggy's heroism, don't you need to be more emphatic than this in terms of demonstrating how Ziggy actually saves the day; shouldn't it be Ziggy that very definitely ensures the survival of Fuzz and the success of the mission? It just feels here that Ziggy's efficacy isn't completely signposted as clearly as it needs to be. I think you're trying to set up the idea that maybe Ziggy didn't survive the mission, so when we see him in the image with Fuzz at the end it comes as a lovely surprise. If so, then not only do you need to signpost Ziggy's saving of the mission more clearly, you also need to suggest much more clearly that Ziggy's heroic act has put the dog in danger - i.e. that we're left with the impression that Ziggy 'didn't make it back'.

    In terms of transitioning back to the waxworks, it does read rather abruptly, and also that the story is no longer connected to the boy, who we met at the beginning. We cut back to a door. It would be better if you repeated the earlier transition, by pulling the camera back out of a black and white photograph (a freeze frame of the previous scene), which somehow seems to give the impression of Ziggy's demise. If you establish early on in your story that there is a camera in Fuzz's helmet, then this last shot/BW photo could be of Ziggy, having successfully attached the grappling hook to the shuttle, floating as if off into space... My point is that I think you need to return us to the boy's perspective, with whom your story started; then you can have the boy look to the opening of the staff door etc.

    I like your style influences; I think you need to consider working with the tools in Sketch Book Pro or Illustrator in order to work up your character designs; try and ditch the tentative sketchy lines, and go for something clean and crisp: flat, cel-shaded style colours, a reduction of detail, and clean, unbroken outlines.

    So in summary then: just take a look at what's happening at the end of the flashback sequence, because I think it could be signalled less ambiguously, and look again at the means by which you're pulling out of the flashback and back to the Museum. In technical terms, I'd like to see you work up your presentation storyboards with a greater emphasis on using the conventions of storyboarding and ensuring they read as clearly as possible; in terms of your character designs, look to the utilisation of tools that enable you to work with clean, confident and unbroken lines as you work up some nicely professional model sheets for them all.

    1. Hey Phil,

      Thank you! you're right. I've got a subscription to Sketchup and I'm going to work on tidying everything up over the weekend.

      I'll add the different shots in too. I think I got a bit lost in that space sequence and it definitely shows.

      Speaking of the narrative during that sequence you're correct in saying I want to create that uncertainty as to whether Ziggy survives or not. So I can definitely reflect that in the refined batch of storyboards, and your suggestion of a helmet cam is a good one. Rather than having the uncertainty coming from whether or not the line attaches but instead shifting focus to Ziggys heroic act would make for a compelling moment.